Wake Up Call

The heart is a complicated little organ. Growing up you don't realize how messed up things can become and you always have an opinion on what you think someone should do, or how a situation should be handled. I never understood how someone could hurt their spouse and the other person would stay. I know that we all have little things we wish we could have and would have done differently and I have a list a mile long in recent years. My problem is I got out of a mentally agonizing relationship almost a year ago, not because I didn't love the other person but because he isn't good for me. And he's not stable enough to be there for himself let alone our daughter. He has had problems with drugs, depression, and keeping a job. When he is himself we have a great relationship and he is a great dad but when he is not its the complete opposite of great. When the not greats out weighed the greats for far too long I finally left. Do I love him any less, the answer is no. Am I going to be with him, the answer is no. I can't be with him because he is not himself. I know I will never be able to let go of what we have been through and I will never trust him enough to open up to him again. But I still love him so either I am crazy and I need help or I'm beginning to think that's just life. You can pray and pray for something to change and things to be perfect but if that's not what God wants for you it's just not going to work. Layla and I are finally happy. We have a great relationship and she is a sweet, caring, loving, amazing little lady. She loves her Daddy but she is Mama's girl. Which is a lot like me so I guess I can't complain. I don't know what is in store for us and I know seeing Layla's dad dating other people will never be easy for me. I will never be able to look at him and not just want to shake him into waking up and being the person I know he can be. I can't change him, I can't make him let go of the things he clings to in life. What I can do is be a good role model to our daughter, love her, hug her, teach her right from wrong, encourage her to be open and share her feelings, and try to let her have a relationship with him when he's willing. I can change the way I see things, I can trust in God and his plan, I can look at myself in the mirror and say I am doing the best I can to make sure my daughter has a happy home. My heart will probably always be confused and throw me for a loop and I'm sure there are many people men and women who can relate to that. Loving someone and letting them go is tough but for me right now it's the right thing to do.